Please tell me why? Why must I cry? Anyone remember that youtube video with Rae Dogg. Well it was kind one of my favorites and it came to mind today. It's a silly song yes. But the words why must I cry. What do they mean?
Well for a few months I looked like this. A lot. I didn't leave the house much. I didn't call a friend. I would do the minimum to just get through it. And i numbed all of that pain and emotion and only shed a tear once as they put my grandma's body into the hearse, after her funeral. I never got to say goodbye to her body. I didn't want to. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to acknowledge that she is gone. I didn't want to feel. And I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want any attention, I just wanted to be left alone in my numbness.
How could this happen? After all the therapy, and reading, and work I put into growing and acknowledging the shame I feel everyday. How could I not let myself feel anything?
I shared this picture because it is me. It is the messy, crazy, out of control, overwhelmed, poopy me. The one that takes selfies and scrolls facebook in hopes that something will get done. And then i am worse off than I was and get more upset that I did nothing that day. But this is my life sometimes, and generally I keep it to myself and feel alone about it.
From mid-August to mid-September, I struggled. If you are wondering where I have been and why I have not written, well I was lost. I was wrapped up in myself. My issues. I was so overwhelmed with all of the turmoil in my life I forgot how to feel. I went through the days hiding with a scowl on my face angry at everyone and everything. My husband and I argued every night. I was having a drink every day. I was devouring ice cream like a mad woman. We moved into our first home. My grandma died. And September was a crazy month, I barely had time to sit down.
Its times like this we need to rely on God. But I didn't put God first and forgot so much of what God has taught me. I ran from him. I fell out of my routine, and I started comparing myself and judging others and asking the big question why is all this happening to me. This can happen in an instant, especially when you are inward focused. And when you retreat and isolate and don't talk to someone, it gets worse. You will find other ways to numb your pain. Until you are left broken and empty.
If you don't share your truth with others, there is no one holding you accountable and you have to rely on yourself to get out of the darkness. If your counting on yourself to reset your mind and get out of the pit, I'm sorry to tell you it doesn't work, you can't get yourself out. I tried, I wrote a whole blog post about how to get out of the darkness and reset. I didn't share it, I told myself it was no good. And looking at it now it was raw and real, but missing something.
It lacked a connection with God. I wasn't thinking about God. I hadn't been to church in five weeks. I havent talked to him or thought much about him. But I put on a face and pretended we had a connection. Its kind of easy to pretend, I did it for years. And its easy, once you learn the lingo to say all the right things. But its not easy to truly know or feel connected to God.
Well I'm grateful for this dark time. As hard as it was, it was real and exposed how easy it is to fall. It also allowed me to feel the fullness of god. I went to church and I cried. I cried so much I was embarrassed we were supposed to say hello to our neighbors and I'm like Hi, I'm Carrie, is my mascara running, i've been crying. Literally said those words. A "Carrie" moment. (Someday I'll fill you in on some awkward "Carrie" moments) But this weeping, opened up my heart and mind. It opened my eyes and my ears. It allowed me to reflect on what has been going on and allowed me to experience the holy spirit. After this, I started being vulnerable. And I started to connect and I started to remember all that God has shown me. And that is why we must cry.
So I want to urge you to be honest with yourself. Be honest with your feelings. Be honest with your connection to God and others. Its easy to talk about the weather or my kids school or what I ate for breakfast, but getting real with someone is scary, but helps connect to them and helps them know they are not alone. People need to see YOU, not just the highlight reel of your life on facebook but the honest vulnerable YOU. Most people don't have it all together, they might look like it, and you might be judging them thinking oh they are beautiful and look nice and they don't need to know me or want to know me. But you don't know anything about anyone. So don't assume or judge people but open your eyes and your arms to them. And accept them for who they are and all their brokenness. You could save someones life. I know thats dramatic but seriously, people just write other people off because of their appearance and that is not what Jesus did.
So I urge you to connect with people, share your heart, share your truth and LISTEN to them. Its not about you. But its about them. And always remember God is always there and always giving you, what I like to call, pieces, to the puzzle that is life. And if you listen, if you open your eyes and your heart and actually listen you will see him teaching you, reminding you, and loving you.