Finding My Truth After Trauma Triggers

It’s been a while since I've shared. I've realized my truth comes out in my words. But I have not been sure what to say.

After a lot of thought, I realized that fear anchored me. I felt dumb for letting fear have its way with me again. I know the good thoughts to tell myself, the lies aren’t true and that I don’t need to care what people think but fear sneaks around like a tiger waiting for those moments of weakness to take you down.

I have had PTSD for over ten years and there are still triggers that stop me in my tracks, leaving me stuck. My first response to a trigger is to retreat and only see the negative. My willingness to fight it is nonexistent.

I have to tell you... #metoo. After reading a lot of stories, and seeing that many of my friends were sexually harrassed or assaulted, memories I wanted to forget came back. I felt overwhelmed and stifled with thoughts and feelings I couldn’t understand. It felt like it happened all over again and I didn’t know what to do. My first inclination was to go towards that dark place and to question why this was happening again. I felt frustrated that these thoughts haven’t gone away, even after years and years of therapy and talking about it. I couldn’t find the light.

Around the same time I had flashbacks, I listened to a talk on trauma. I heard a lot on triggers, and different types of trauma and how people dealing with trauma act. The speaker mentioned this quote by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk, “A traumatized person does not have access to the left hemisphere of the brain which translates experience into language, therefore, they can’t make sense out of what is happening, without feeling overwhelmed. Such individuals go from stimulus to response without being able to figure out what upsets them. They overreact, withdraw, or freeze.”

After hearing these words, I sat there my mind racing thinking “he is talking about me, he is talking about me, this is me.” I still exhibit characteristics of a traumatized person even after all I have processed and all the time I spend trying to grow and change. I continue to have the old habit of shutting down and not being able to explain my thoughts or feelings. I felt defeated like I would never get better. I let my mind run wild in the darkness, exposing lie after lie believing each one and feeling hopeless.

Gratefully, God has a way of putting cracks in the darkness and letting the light in. He reminds me of the truth. I forgot that I accepted the reality of my situation a long time ago, and it’s not who I am and it doesn’t define me. I will always have memories, but I am thriving in my life and have helped so many others along the way. I realized I have to look for the light everyday.

This wake-up call is what I needed. Sadly I need to be broken and to relive the pain in order to heal. I had to realize I’m watching my life go by, doing my daily routine, getting through it and not actually living it. It’s time to take care of myself, to be intentional, and to fight fear. Going down that dark rabbit hole, believing the lies, staying isolated, telling yourself no one understands, is easy. But rising up and coming out of it makes you stronger every time.

#honesty #Shame #Hope #MentalHealth #PTSD

To My Five Year Old NOT Going Off To Kindergarten

I love you more than you know. You are my firstborn, my first everything. My first to bring home from the hospital, my first to plan play dates for, my first to take to the playground and have those awkward conversations with other moms that I will probably never see again, my first to watch graduate preschool. Everything I do with you is new and I don’t always know the outcome.

You are more than ready for school, excited doesn’t even begin to describe it. You want to go on that big yellow bus and go to school with your friends. You want to have teachers you love like you loved in preschool and I can see you enjoying recess quite a bit.

You are Miss independent. You walk into a room and choose what you want to do. You aren’t afraid of change, you aren’t afraid to try new things, and you figure things out on your own more than I give you credit. When you put your mind to something, you don’t quit till you’ve figured it out.

We made a choice to homeschool and not send you to kindergarten. One that was very hard to make. One that we felt was best for our family. A decision that I am questioning daily.

I don’t want to go against the grain. I don’t want to be the odd one out. I don’t want to feel disconnected. But honey sometimes you have to follow your heart and do the hard thing. The one thing that scares you the most.

So many times I have not tried the scary road. I’ve told myself, I’ll never be able to do this or that. And now I’ll never know if some of those dreams were a possibility. But as I have gotten older, and grown to love who I am, I am trying to follow my heart. Even if it breaks, even if it hurts, even when it's scary, even if I fail.

This summer we prayed. I can remember many sunrises spent asking God about homeschool. We weighed our options. One day I’m feeling confident about it and the next nostalgia kicks in. I loved kindergarten, my teacher Mrs. Dunning was the best. I remember we would sit on a mat and listen to stories, play at different centers, make crafts, play games, have that little carton of milk every day. You probably wouldn’t enjoy the quiet time in the afternoon, but it's one of the only times in your life at school you get quiet time during the day. I’d sit there thinking “Is she going to miss out on all of that? Am I making the right choice?”

Parenting and our education system is different today than it once was. I don't know if we made the right decision, but I'm going to take the scary unknown road and we can climb over the mountains together.

My dear, you won’t be going on the big yellow bus all alone. You won’t be carrying that big backpack off to school. You won’t be bringing kindergarten crafts home and telling me about your day. You won’t be with your friends at school.

You have your whole life to do all of those things. We will make time for friends and discover new ones, we will go on adventures together, we will learn, explore and have fun. I am going to do the very best I can.

Please bear with me on those days I yell and the days I get frustrated with you. Bear with me the times I run and hide in the bathroom because I am overwhelmed. Know that we love you to infinity plus infinity plus infinity plus a million gazillion. And I am truly grateful for this time we get to spend together.

Love,

Mama

#Homeschool #Parenting #Motherhood

Beautiful Pictures Never Tell The Full Story

Today is the first total solar eclipse since 1979. It's kind of a big deal and yet I am not prepared. I don’t have the protective glasses to view the eclipse. I am the mom that is always late to the show. I’ll never have the hottest toy at Christmas. I am a last minute run around the night before and do stuff kind of mom. It’s not fun. My mind runs and runs and I have trouble planning ahead. I never have what I need the moment I need it and I often fall into the shame cycle of not feeling like a good mom.

This morning started off on the wrong foot. I haven’t been able to exercise or write. I’ve been consumed by house projects that I only get to work on late at night. I started to clean and threw a load of laundry in. When I went to move it over, I noticed I washed a diaper, and the white inside stuff was all over everything. I felt angry. I made trip after trip to shake stuff out. Then the kids lost pieces to a new game I just bought them. I searched high and low and they didn’t seem to care, they couldn’t play this brand new game anymore. I screamed at them, get out of here get out of here get out of here. I feel like a broken record. I say the same stuff over and over and they don't listen, especially when I yell.

Our friend called and wanted to come over to view the eclipse. I had no interest in trying to figure out how we were going to view the eclipse with no safety glasses. Make a pinhole box yeah right. But you know what I did when she got here? I looked up how to make an eclipse viewer out of a box. It didn’t actually seem as hard as that voice in my mind wanted me to believe. The voice that makes mountains out of molehills.

We made a pinhole viewer with the kids. They helped me cut the paper, tape the aluminum foil, poke the hole, tape the box. They enjoyed every minute of working with me on a project. When we went to use the viewer, the kids struggled with it. It didn’t seem the same as viewing the sun and the kids seemed a bit confused, it didn’t look like what they saw on the TV screen. And they also mentioned 5x that this was taking a really long time.

I had my friend take pictures of us to commemorate the day. Look how happy we are viewing the eclipse together. I wanted a picture of us to document that we made a pinhole viewer because I never do much of anything with them and I feel guilty and sometimes ashamed. That “you’re a bad mom” voice rears its ugly sound in my brain way too often. When in reality, I’m just not perfect. I’m not the mom I think I’m supposed to be and that weighs on me sometimes.

I wanted to add this story to the photos. If you are following me and you think “her life is perfect and she goes on so many adventures with her kids and her pictures are so pretty”, read the captions. I am far from perfect, I spend a lot of time at home, and a lot of that time, I don’t know how to photograph and make pretty. I don’t feel like it's pretty, or worthy of sharing about. It looks nothing like all the Instagram feeds I spend so much time drooling over.

Reality is no one’s life is perfect. People are passionate about different things. Those beautiful feeds of interior décor on Instagram feeds, those people are passionate about their home. The feeds where the mom takes beautiful dreamy pictures of their kids, they are passionate about capturing moments and light, the fitness feeds it looks like someone is perfect, never misses a day always eats well, that person has found a love of health. I am an artist. When I look at things I am meticulous about the aesthetic and I have a hard time sharing something if it’s not the way I want it.

But I’ve learned to try and let all that go and remember to be who I am and do what I want and not focus so much on what people think. I want to share the memories I am never going to get back. I will never be like anyone else but me. It's easy to see other people doing something similar and to want what they have, but I want to encourage you to be grateful for what you already have. For those that already love you, for the life you are living, and for the beauty in each day.

(I used a tutorial found here to create the pinhole projector)

#Parenting #Shame #honesty #Homeschool #Inspiration #Insecurities #Hope