- Carrie Usmar
Have you ever had one of those moments where you connect several coincidental events and feel like you are getting a message? I haven’t really had one that I can remember. But recently I heard the phrase “I am set free” in different ways throughout my morning. At 6 am I was singing a song stuck in my head, trying to see if my husband knew what song I was talking about but all I could remember was “I am set free ooooooo”. He had no idea. Haha…… At church during worship they were singing a song I don’t know what it was called but the chorus is “I broke the chains now I am free”. When I actually started to think about this idea of being free in that moment I started sobbing. I thought, “I am truly free”… I don’t need to listen to the negativity in my head or the” I can’t do this” or “I’m depressed”. I don’t need to listen to the guilt and shame that rise up inside of me. “I’m a bad parent”, “I’m not good enough” I don’t need to be afraid. I am set free. It was only when our pastor was talking about worship music and how powerful it can be, that it clicked for me that that phrase was on my heart that day. Then I cried even more. I don’t know if they were tears of joy or sadness. I think part of me felt grateful to realize I am free. And another part of me was sad I never knew it before.
I have always had issues with feelings. Most of the time I don’t know how to express how I’m feeling or why. Sometimes I cry and I don’t know why or I laugh at something that’s not really funny. Don’t even get me started on anger, I don’t even know how to be angry. I have been through some tragedies and I always find ways to numb my pain. It’s very difficult to feel when you have always been told not to cry. Not to experience or express your feelings.
I disconnect from people and isolate myself. Sometimes I’ll have a drink to take the edge off. I love TV and could watch it for days to hide from reality. I’ll stay busy and keep my schedule full to avoid thinking or feeling. The more busy I am the less time I have to talk to that person I’m avoiding or share some of the pain I am going through with a friend. I like to keep all of that inside to avoid any conflict or questions and to keep telling myself they don’t care or want to know. The more I do this the further away from the truth I get. The further down that dark hole I fall until it seems nearly impossible to get out and all the hope is gone. It’s pretty scary being in that place, alone. Your mind tells you no one will understand, no one cares so keep quiet. Or don’t burden people with your problems, or stop complaining to people.
If you let your mind run with these thoughts you are starting to box yourself in until everything is black and you can’t find the light. If you are feeling this way I want you to know that you are LOVED…. You are LOVED just the way you are. For all your flaws, strengths and eccentricities. Your people (those that care deeply about you and love you for you) want to hear your pain and want to help you break free. They want you to know that you are free.
I want you to know you are not alone. This is one of the hardest posts for me to write because it is so near and dear to my heart. I’ve been there, I’ve given up, I’ve been lost, I’ve lived in darkness. It is so scary to even think about that place and going back there. But I have faith that I will continue to gather my weapons and have them when I need to fight again. I pray I can find the light and be the light for others in darkness.
I dare you to stop for a minute and examine your life. Is there anything you are doing to numb your feelings or avoid a situation? If you do realize you are just going through the motions of life and not fighting or confronting or living, tell someone that loves you for who you are and cares deeply for you. Don’t listen to all the fear running through you. Be vulnerable, break down those walls. If you do, I believe you will take a step towards daring greatly.