Find The Light Anyway

It was a cloudy sunrise. It’s been a while since I walked down to the water and saw clouds with no sun in sight. Normally I wouldn’t waste my time walking down there, but I had hopes it was going to be more. As I stood there staring at the water pouring over the dam I thought wow I walked down here at 5am for this? Why isn’t it brighter or more colorful? Why can’t the light break through? Really is this all? I’m so tired. This is going to be a long day. Everyday this week has been long and exhausting and this will probably be another one. And my mind went on and on and on. It would have been easy to walk away in this moment. Continued on with my day never thinking any differently. It could have been a long dark day.

But I stood there and it was like my mind went blank. All those negative thoughts cleared. I realized how beautiful this place is. How special it is to me. Even when it’s a cloudy sunrise where there is no light. I love the sound of the water. It’s so loud it drowns out the sound of the cars driving by and pretty much everything else helping me focus. I noticed the diffused light from the clouds. I could actually get a great picture of the dam and the water pouring down into the stream. I noticed the tree down below starting to bloom and the rushing stream. As I started to walk away feeling appreciative of this place, I looked back once more and saw the light breaking through the clouds. I ran back for one more photo. I felt like it was evidence, the light is there, it can break through the clouds.

Sometimes your life is cloudy maybe even downright hazy. It’s hard to see past the pain or the hurt. It’s hard to be brave and face your fear. It’s hard to enjoy the little moments when darkness is looming over you. I know it, I’ve been there, I am there often. But it’s important to find the light anyway. Don’t let your mind run wild. Don’t listen to those lies you are telling yourself. Yell “stop” if you have to. Find that light, its always there. Always trying to break through. And once you find it, hold onto it and never let it go. Don’t forget it. There will be times of darkness, tragedy, trials, your heart might be broken, but keep your eyes open. Slow down and be patient. Maybe it’s been one thing after another and there is no end in sight, look for the light anyway because it is always trying to break through.

As I am finishing up writing this post I look outside and the sun is shining. Not a cloud in sight. Gratitude fills my spirit. I am grateful for these reminders. It’s easy for me to get stuck, overwhelmed, scared, and ashamed. But its times like this I am grateful for. I hope it helps you today. Be present, be you, and find the light anyways. You are worthy of it all.

#Inspiration #Hope #honesty

Baby Number 3

Dear Crosby,

You are six months old. How did time go so fast, yet so slow at the same time? Why does it feel like I’ve had you forever, but I just got you? You are a light in this world. Your smile brightens a room. Seriously, you have a resting mad face and when you smile its like a little angel brightening your day. You also have the most incredible little giggle. I feel like I just love to poke you so you squeal. You get stuck on your belly a lot and you don’t like that, but soon enough you will be rolling all over the place. Your brother and sister love you to the moon. Anytime you cry they are right there to help you or make you smile. You sleep pretty well for a 6 month old, waking up at 4 most nights. Which is what started my 4am wake up writing sessions. Thank you for that. A lot has come from my peaceful morning time. You don’t like to sleep anywhere but in your bed so some days you stay up all day. That’s hard and tiring. But by the end of the day you are still smiling some days and other days screaming. But we just go with it. I feel guilty a lot. I can’t give you every bit of my attention. I can’t sit and watch you and talk to you and show you toys like I did with the others. I don’t always pay attention to you while you are eating. Baths are few and far between. But I keep telling myself I am a great mom even though some days I don’t feel like that’s true.

Most importantly, I love you. More than you will ever comprehend. I love every part of you and I always will. I want to keep you this age but I know before I know it you will be one and then graduating preschool and beyond. Time does go fast. But I’m so grateful you are here to share your light with us. Keep smiling my silly sausage.

#Parenting

The Day My Daughter Told Me She Was Stupid

“I’m so stupid… “ These are the words she screamed at me as she threw her bike on the ground. She seemed frustrated she couldn’t ride her bike without training wheels by herself her first try. When she screamed those words, I had to ask her to repeat herself. I couldn’t believe my ears. My heart just broke, how did she know what that means?

I could relate to her in that moment. I used to call myself stupid all the time. Sometimes I still do. It’s easy when you have told yourself something for as long as you can remember. It doesn’t even faze you. But hearing it from her was heartbreaking.

A few days later I looked into the mirror and I felt ugly. I didn’t want to leave the house. I felt ridiculous. Nothing seemed to look right. I could have a million things to wear but none of it is good enough. None of it makes me feel better. I think I need new stuff, or I need to lose weight. I would take any excuse to stay home and hide away.

As I was getting ready to force myself to leave the house a wave of sadness came over me. I don’t have an excuse to think these thoughts anymore, or to feel so down I can hardly get out of bed. My life is not in shambles. I have learned ways to cope and control these thoughts.

Why on this day is the old stuff coming back and flooding me to the point of feeling paralyzed? No one hurt me, I’m healthy, in fact I just got back from a two week vacation so I should feel grateful and rested.

Then reality hits me. These dark thoughts will never go away. They come at times I need to be reminded of the truth. They fill my spirit so quickly trying to take control of me. I am forced to decide am I going to believe the lies or fight.

I’m stupid. I’m worthless. I’m ugly.. I’ll never… I should have done it this way… I hate myself…. I’ll never be enough. These are the lies I tell myself sometimes.

I used to think food made me feel better. I thought a lot of alcohol would make me feel better. I thought constantly buying new clothes would make me feel better. I thought counting calories and being very strict would make me feel better. I thought bad relationships would make me feel better. I thought making everyone happy in any way I could would make me feel better. I thought being busy would make me feel better. All of these helped me ignore the pain and the thoughts. They always come flooding back sometimes worse than before.

The truth is nothing can take these lies away. They always come back. No matter how good your life may feel, in a moment you could lose it and forget.

I want you to be conscious of the way you talk to yourself. Always remember to talk to yourself like you would talk to a family member or best friend. Someone you love. You wouldn’t tell them they are ugly and worthless. You would build them up and remind them of the truth. It’s important to build yourself up too.

Shame is a thick dark layer of feeling we all have to handle. The more you put yourself down, the more you begin to believe it. I believed it. But through a lot of counseling and self-discovery, I am conscious of how I talk to myself. I hate how easy it is to lose control and to give in to the lies. But I think the best thing about it is being reminded of the truth.

You are loved more than you know. You are worthy of love. You are beautiful. You are enough.

And that is what I told my daughter after she told me she was stupid and she would NEVER EVER ride her bike, EVER again.