Treading the Waters of Depression

I get stuck. The feelings can go on for weeks, months, even years. Like a wave, I rise and fall on a daily basis. But there are times I can’t find the light. I can’t get any clarity. The days feel long, I feel alone, and yet I see people and get that period of feeling less alone, maybe I am coming out of it, and then a bunch of bad stuff happens and I get knocked down again. Or I go to the beach and feel anchored for a moment but wake up the next day only to feel lost again. I have plans to get stuff done and I get nothing done. Hopes to change the way I’ve been doing things lately and I fail. The shame game is so strong. Everyday I tell myself I hate myself. I say why can’t you do what your supposed to do? Why can’t you cook for your family? Why can’t you get stuff done? Why can’t you be happy? You’re a bad mom. You’re a bad friend. You’re a bad wife. You’re a bad human. Why do you bother writing, no one cares. You should quit now, go silent. Don’t talk about this stuff. It’s better for everyone. You are not good enough. You never will be.

(Silence)

I disappear for a while. I think being alone and quiet on social media is better for everyone until I am fully anchored. Perfection starts to show it’s pretty face. I agonize over every little decision. Most days I give into fear, let it take the reigns for a while, it seems easier that way. I tell myself no one wants to hear about this, they have their own issues. I plead with God for help, pray for clarity and the truth, but my prayers aren’t working, or my mind is so clogged I can’t see him working.

Is it a bout of depression? I think so. I am not a doctor. I also hate diagnoses. I hate admitting I still deal with depression. It still rears its ugly head into my life. I don’t want anyone to know because I’m scared. If I tell people they might feel bad or judge me or try to fix me. I don’t want any attention. I would rather continue listening to others, helping them, wearing my warrior mask. I don’t want to sound like I am crying wolf all the time. I don’t want to be known as the person that is always in a funk or always low. I want to be known for finding the light and seeing through the darkness. But I’m not always that person. It’s hard to share the darkness with not much light in sight.

I have bouts of depression. It pains me to admit that, I don’t want to believe it. But I have the kind of depression that doesn’t go away. Sometimes I plead with God why? There are periods of time I think it’s gone, life feels anchored, I am doing all the things I need to do to stay anchored. But eventually the waves crash down again and I’m swimming, swimming with no lifejacket, praying I won’t drown. I have to tread water and ride the waves until they die down.

Eventually they calm down, they always do. But it is so painful when you are stuck in unfamiliar water and you don’t have any idea why or what’s going to happen. I share all these feelings with you because this is me. I’m not always able to find the light, I’m not always able to hear the truth. All I can do is keep showing up. Keep sharing my scars. I have to because I know that hiding and ignoring the pain doesn’t work. I will continue to rise each day, rise above the imperfections, the fear, the judgement, and the shame. I will continue to thank God everyday for my pain and struggles because there is something he is teaching me even if I can’t see it. Right now I think he is telling me to show up. Don’t go silent, don’t hide and please don’t put on the mask. I’m going to stop telling my stories after they happen, but show them to you in these little moments. I’m treading water right now and I thank God for hope. I know I’ll get through this.

#Depression #Shame #Insecurities #Hope

The One Thing You Think Would Never Happen To You

We had a lot to prepare before hosting a party. My mind kept jumping from one thing to the next, leaving me agitated. I worked so hard weeding flowerbeds I hadn’t gotten to in years and I wanted to put some mulch down. Life with kids is crazy, its hard to finish what you start, but I was determined to complete a few gardening projects before this party. The first place we stopped at didn't have any bags of mulch so we drove to another place. Getting three kids in and out of the car for a quick stop is exhausting, but we always do it. I’ve read too many horror stories about people calling the police on moms just running in to grab something so I always bring them in and lets face it, I would be that horror story. We got to the next place and hopped out of the car. Mike went to talk to the owner and I looked at some of the plants as I followed him over. I looked up and noticed he wasn't holding our 7-month-old Crosby. My eyes darted around, my stomach squirmed, my heart practically beat right out of my chest. THE BABY!!! Where is the baby??

I turned and ran like a crazed person to the car. Opened the door and there he was sucking on his hands. It had only been a minute but if felt like forever. And my heart sunk. The shame just seeped in. How could I not have known? I'm a terrible mom. I always wondered how people left their babies in the car. And now I know. It just happens and it's horrifying. I am so stupid. And this went on and on and on in my mind.

We got home and I went about the rest of my day completing all the tasks I had on my mind and I didn't think much about it. I tend to want to forget traumatic situations anyways, so it’s almost easy for me to tune it out and move on like it never happened.

Crosby had trouble going to sleep that night. I brought him in Celia and Hugo’s room while I tried to get them to sleep. We surrounded Crosby with their stuffed animals and he giggled away. I felt joyful watching the kids giggle with him and enjoy having him in their bed.

As I said goodnight to the others and walked out of their room with Crosby, I had a moment of gratitude for my sweet little rainbow baby. There is no one like him. He cracks me up most days, makes the funniest sounds and is Mr. Happy. In that moment I realized I am not a bad mom, I am not dumb, I don't hate myself. That's shame talking. I feel extremely guilty, terrible in fact. But no one is perfect and the reality is this could happen to anyone. And I thank God for reminding me of the truth and keeping my baby safe. I am grateful for the light when my head tends to go dark.

Sometimes it takes a big event like this to remember you are enough and even though life can get pretty messy, the beauty is always there. You have to keep looking for it even when you really don't want to or know how. I encourage you to open up your eyes to the world around you. Look for the little things. Laugh. Don’t let shame come in and break you down, you are strong and those are lies you are telling yourself. You are worthy and loved. Let the light in.

#honesty #Shame #Parenting

Hoarding Pain Anger and Resentment

I have trouble getting rid of everything. I've read books about letting things go, thanking them for their service or the joy they brought me and saying goodbye but I just thank them for their service and say I might need you sometime again and quickly put them back. I also avoid messy overwhelming areas in my home. I tend to stash stuff I don't want everyone to see somewhere, a room a closet, anywhere. I struggle with toys. How did we accumulate so many toys? It started out as a couple of baby toys. And now our play closet is full of all kinds of stuff. Some things we haven’t even looked at in a year. But I don't want to let it go because it might be a good project someday, or so and so gave that to the kids, or it has some memory attached to it.

Stuff accumulates over time. It can feel overwhelming. I’ve wanted to get rid of the stuff we don't need for about a year now. I even redid my playroom closet because I thought that would help me get rid of stuff, but I think it all just went to the basement and keeps coming back up as the kids discover it again. If I don’t actually start letting go of the clutter, I’m afraid of how overwhelming our home will be in a year.

It's natural for me to accumulate stuff, and not only do I have an overwhelming amount of toys, I also hold on to my emotions. Over time I accumulated a lot of hurt. I didn’t quite know how to explain my pain but it was there under the surface. The anger, frustration, resentment started consuming me. I coped by drinking, or eating, or lashing out at others, really any way to take my mind off of those feelings. Then comes the shame for the way I am behaving. I am worthless I told myself. Why am I still here?

I didn’t realize I was in this state of mind and consumed by so many feelings. I shut down, wall myself off, act like everything is fine. I put on my face, the one that speaks I am happy and perfect and nothing is ever wrong. I help others to the extent of hurting myself in the process. I never say No, because I’m afraid of people being angry at me. I was stuck in this place for years. It manifested itself in so many ways, so many different masks.

I couldn’t experience joy. I couldn’t be happy. I was always thinking what’s around the corner for me? What kind of trials does God have in store for me? More trauma? More ridiculous situations that I just have to grin and bear? More annoying stuff for me to take in and hold on to? Why me?

One day my counselor said to me, "Do you want to experience joy in your life someday? There is hope." And I cried. I thought, wow that would be nice. To be free of all this pain and hurt. Is that even possible?

Yes, it is possible but through a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. I don’t think God wanted me to live in pain, fear, and anguish. For a time I felt like maybe I deserved all of this. Some of the things I have done in my past, maybe this is my punishment.

Over the last few years, I have stopped. Stopped the pretending. Stopped ignoring it, like its not there looming over me. I had to be brave and face my issues, face my pain, face my past.

I had to face some things, I had hidden so far down deep inside me, I almost forgot about them. I brushed them off like they were no big deal, void of any feeling at all. Yet, they shaped me and molded me into this person I didn’t like or want to know and I could barely remember them because I didn’t want to. There were years of my life that I can still hear myself saying, just forget about it. Go have “fun.” “Fun” was getting wasted and not remembering a thing. Putting myself into vulnerable situations because I just didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if I was around or not.

Facing the pain, the anger, the resentment, the shame, the fear, the guilt, the bitterness, all that “Stuff” that accumulated over the years was one of the best things I've ever done. Honestly I’m not sure I would still be here had I not taken the time to truly experience the pain and not just ignore it anymore. It’s a daily fight to not let that “stuff“ take over again.

My hope is that my story encourages you to stop. Stop accumulating all the pain, anger, resentment. Stop trying to hide it and stuff it down so deep it comes out in scary situations. Stop taking it out on other people. Stop hurting others because you will never get back at the people that hurt you. Forgive them. Let go of the pain. Release those feelings. Its easier said than done but I believe God is with us. Even in our darkest moments when you feel like Why, why am I here. He is bringing people into your life that will help you. My goodness, when I look back at the last fifteen years, I can think of several people he threw into my life. I wasn’t looking for them but they came to me. I didn’t want to know God but I loved these people and they knew him. They had such a joy and light about them. I made excuses for why they would never understand my pain, they haven’t lived what I’ve lived through. But they remained right next to me, they saw the beauty and the light in me when I didn't deserve it.

But in the end, I had to face this “stuff” to be able to see the beauty and light in myself. To be able to experience joy and happiness. And to know that there really is hope. I believe in all that “stuff” that brokenness there is something beautiful and stunning in it. I wouldn’t be who I am without some tough life experiences.

And I am grateful. Gosh did I just say I am grateful for all this “stuff” I have had to face? It's true, because now I can see the light and share it with others. I can help those that need me and hopefully be that light for them in their darkness.

So my friends, gather up all your stuff. All that clutter that sits around collecting dust, or maybe you lost in the basement. Go through it all and let it go.

#Inspiration #Depression #Shame #Anger #honesty